Almost a year ago

This morning I was getting caught up on the Ms. Boards, and was stunned by the news of the apparent suicide of a poster, Olympe. While I have never posted on the boards, I read them on a regular basis to hear about all of the feminist issues. I enjoyed Olympe's posts, she had a wonderful way with words.

I then started thinking about my own battle with depression. Last March I was near the end of my rope, and I wasn't sure if I could go on.

Throughout most of high school I was convinced I wouldn't live to see the age of 20, that either some terrible was going to happen or I was going to end my life myself. I was convince I was a worthless sack of shit, that nobody loved me, and that nobody ever would.

Almost one year ago I contemplated slicing my wrists [vertically, because that's proper technique] and bleeding to death, to stop the pain that took over my life. I even wrote a cliched tear stained suicide note, explaining my actions. After that, I remember laying down on my bed sobbing, not sure of what I wanted exactly.

I am thankful I didn't do it, and in the morning I tore up the note into tiny pieces and threw it in the trash. I wasn't out of the fog, but I was on my way.

Through all of this I learned just how strong I am, and that are people who love me. I learned that I do have worth, and that I should continue living because I am a valuable member of society.

Some days are diamonds
Some days are rocks
Some doors are open
Some roads are blocked

Sundowns are golden
Then fade away
But if I never do nothing
I'm coming back some day

Cause you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down

All around your island
There's a barricade
It keeps out the danger
Holds in the pain

Sometimes you're happy
And sometimes you cry
Half of me is ocean
Half of me is sky

But you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down

And some things are over
Some things go on
Part of me you carry
And part of me is gone

But you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down

You got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down