As the school year draws to a close, I am both looking forward to and feeling melancholy about the upcoming summer break.

Now that I am a fairly independant, it is going to be rather odd to have to go home and become a child again. My Mother still has yet to realize that I have grown up, and feels the need to baby me somewhat. While this isn't always a bad thing, I have always had a yearning to be totally independant, to rely only on myself.

I know that after a week I'll just want to leave again, and I'm afraid that my resentment of having to be at home will come through. My Father understands this, because I take after his side of the family. People on my Dad's side tend to want to be loners, and to do things their own way.

This past school year has been a taste of what will be, and having to go home for the summer feels like the rug's being pulled out from beneath my feet.

I am also afraid for my mental state. I have a feeling that my depression will swing back, even with the medication. Nothing is like it used to be, and I feel slightly lost when in Owen Sound. Home doesn't feel like home, and I'm not sure who my friends are anymore. Being home for just three weeks at Christmas triggered my depression and anxiety, which I couldn't control. I was unaware that it would happen, and it just hit me. I felt as though I was just wandering around, playing charades. I felt like I no longer "belonged" anywhere. I was living my life, but I felt rather empty inside.

I enjoy being a loner, but deep down I am quite needy. I tend to squash those feelings down inside of me, like a ball of string that continues to grow and grow. As my counsellor once said to me,

//It sounds rather lonely...//.

Yes, I suppose it is. But it seems to be the path I have chosen for myself. I make myself into a pariah, alienating myself from my surroundings and those involved.

I suppose it's true that you can't go "home" again.

Two way running down the road
Do I look like anyone you know
Whatever brought you here
Well it's gonna get you home
You leave no trace to be found
And what's the difference
You here or gone
Memory fades and time steals away
Still the miles won't be forgotten
As the homeward bound angel
Goes awanderin'